I am not used to being happy all the time. I am not used to enjoying life. Everything has been very static, and boring. Enjoyment has only come from my friends and my family — usually only my brothers — it might be just how I look at the world, it might be me, it might be Denmark as a whole. Safety has always existed.

I moved out when I was 18, to my brother Rasmus, to Christianshavn, where we lived for about 1 year and 6 months. I honestly don’t remember much from that time. I didn’t do much else than work and smoke joints. My friends weren’t in the country, and I was working more than I should have done. My work was my life. And I somehow lived with that.

When I look back and ponder over what I really did, I am kind of amazed by how much energy I put into being better than anyone else. I of course had times when I wasn’t doing well. Complete emotional detachment. No feelings at all. Nothing. Just me and my work. The only joy I had is when I saw my paycheck coming in. It would be months of that. Just work and nothing else on my mind.

Once every couple of weeks Lucas and Casper would tell me to stop. But I didn’t always listen. That I somewhat regret now, but the other part of me is more fulfilled to know I can do something and be absolutely focused on it. I know that I didn’t do my absolute best — I spent most of my days working on only bettering myself. How could I do better. Very selfish. But I am glad that I did that. I’m glad that I pushed myself to those extremes. I would come home from work and think about work. Even when I smoke. I think about how I can do better.

I think a lot. My mind is very calm most of the time but deep inside, I know that I’m not always okay. I’m not always calm. I’m not always good.

I feel like my base feeling is nothing. Emptiness. Nothing is there. No joy. No feelings. No nothing.

But then come you.

You are special. You make me happy. You make me laugh. You make me smile. You make me realize how important your happiness is.

And it’s not only how you look. It’s how you talk. It’s how you explain yourself. It’s how you look at things, that I look differently at. You are not only just you.

• You are everything I have missed.
• You are everywhere I look.
• You are every thought I make.
• You are all I think about.
• You are important.
• You are you.
• And I like you.

But something is stopping you from having all that you want. Perhaps someone.

I know what money does to me, and I don’t always like it. It changes people. Sometimes for the better. Sometimes for the worse.

But I know that you are realizing you can have more.
You can have less.
You can have whatever.
And you can still be happy.
I want to see you happy, but I also want to see you succeed.

I have been split between my thoughts — not wanting to do something so small to make you happy, such as posting a picture of you on social media, because I know that it maybe means something to you.

I am not “hardheaded.”
I just have my thoughts, and I stand by most of them.
But I’m open for suggestions and different perspectives.

My mind is not limited to anything.
I like to say yes to things.
I like to take that risk.
But I always think about it.
I always think.

This I know — is a burden and a blessing.